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Unpack Your Relationship Baggage

woman walking with baggageToday’s article was inspired by a Relationship Tip of The Day I saw on a friend’s Facebook page.  It said:

There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen.  In the right time, with the right person, for the best reason.

Maybe it’s because of the head space I was in, but for some reason, this sounded so unauthentic.  Let me clarify.  If you subscribe to this quote from a matured state of mind and a willing spirit, then yes, I can agree with you.  But here’s the problem.  Many of these types of quotes plastered on single sisters’ Facebook profiles don’t come from that position of clarity.  It is what we tell ourselves to make us feel better about not having a man or about not having a woman.  Rather than deal with the discomfort of being alone, we come up with catchy quotes and clever phrases to make us feel better.

Amidst all the Amen’s and Here-Here’s, I just couldn’t go there.  I know how difficult it is to want something so badly especially around this season when all you hear and see is romance and Christmas magic.   Fa La La La Lifetime and Hallmark channels are flooded with Christmas movies where couples go from a chance meeting to some obstacle to an awakening of their feelings to walking hand in hand.  All that happens in one or two hours then the camera fades and THE END comes across the television screen.  What they accomplish in a couple of hours takes much more time in reality.

Well, this was my comment:

“It depends on the real real.  If a person is quoting this to give themselves a pass to avoid doing the emotional work then I don’t agree.  We have to be the right person to attract the right person.  We work on everything: our hips, our thighs, our careers, our finances, our social network but we leave the most important thing unattended.  It’s our emotional baggage.  The longer that sits in your life, the heavier it becomes.  We have to unpack those bags so that we will have the capacity to relate.  We think that having a man is the time to work on that.  Nooooo!  When you meet a man the work is becoming one.  You can’t though if you or he got so many bags between you.  We have to unpack our own bags.”

If this doesn’t apply to you, then dismiss it and embrace the grace you’ve been given to wait out the right person.  But if it isn’t, I stand by my response.

Unpack your bags!

We aren’t ready to blend a life with a partner if we haven’t.  And if you’re like I use to be, I expected him to unpack the bags for me.  I expected him to slay my dragons, swim the moat, climb the trellis and whisk me out of my lonely tower.  Life has taught me something.  You have to slay your own dragons.  You have to do your own soul work.

As Iyanla emphasizes and I love hearing it, “You got to call a thing a thing, people!”  Our bags are HEAVY.  Packed so full they are bulging and popping at the seams.  Packed with the ghosts, skeletons and attachments to relationships past.  Some of us have become so savvy at dodging the real issue that we have created a network of other men or other women who are doing the same.  We meet an attractive man or woman and we think, “He can’t be interested in someone like me.  Just wait, he’ll reveal it after while.”  So we put him through the ringer and make him jump through hoops and when he won’t do it any longer, we tell our girlfriends, “See, I told you.”

Let’s stop this.  Let’s unpack that bag that has accrued interest.  Let’s stop blaming someone else for our insecurities. Let’s unpack that bag that says, “All men cheat.”  Let’s unpack that bag that says, “He’ll leave me when he sees who I really am.”    Let’s unpack that bag that says, “When I lose these few extra pounds, I’ll be more attractive.”  Let’s unpack those bags that make us envious and jealous of our sisters and seduce their men.  Let’s unpack those bags that make playing with a woman’s emotions folly to be bragged about to our boys.  Let’s stop deluding ourselves and unpack our bags.


Speak Your Mind


Suzette R. Hinton
Suzette obtained a degree in Human Services Technology specializing in Substance Abuse Counseling and a subsequent certification with honors as a Life and Mentor Coach. The founder of Odyssey Administrative Services, Odyssey Music Consultants and Purposeful Connections.

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